Tag Archives: English

Becoming British

19 Jul

I am really not a sporty person.

From my previous posts, that probably comes as no surprise. But it is becoming a problem.

For you see, I am British. And that means that for the next month or so, the only item on the news, the only story in the newspapers, the only think that would appear to be happening in the world right now…is the Olympics. Don’t get me wrong, I am excited. But more in the kind of “Ooh, London looks nice! Ooh, have we won something?” way than either the fiercely patriotic or sports obsessed ways that seem to be the only “acceptable” ways to be interested in the Olympics.

But then, seeing as I am British (had you got that yet?), the fact the Olympics are here means that I don’t have the chance of seeing another country (not that I would have gone anyway, but it’s the idea…). However, most people aren’t British (I know, I am just too good at Geography), and so don’t know our quirks. They can have the pleasure of seeing Britain (or more precisely, England. Sorry Scotland, Wales, and Northern Ireland) for the first time. So, here today for those of you who are not yet indoctrinated into the cult, I have compiled a list of…how to pretend you’re (part) English (again…sorry).
1. Tea.
This is somewhat over-exaggerated in stereotypes of the English-but they aren’t far off. Honestly, tea addiction is reckoned to be at something like 12 cups per day. When my grandparents came over to stay a while ago, I was making at least 15 cups a day. Tea matters. But don’t go to fancy lengths like you see in those Pinterest graphics, which feature chic cartoon characters brewing their tea for exactly 3.5 minutes. No one does that. Plonk the tea bag in the cup, pour water over, add milk (or switch the last two round if you must), squeeze tea bag, remove and drink. Done.
2. Cakes.
This one covers Afternoon tea as well. Again, an over-exaggeration…but then we do have a cake named after one of our Queens (Victoria Sponge. If you don’t know what I’m talking about-and I pity you if you don’t-go and make one. Now). Other biscuits of choice include the Hob-Nob (oaty magnificence, sounds a bit strange), Chocolate Digestive (now you can get Cadbury ones as well. Two birds, one stone), and…well, quite a lot of others (Shortbread!), but if you’re going for the full stereotype, try a Rich Tea. The name sets you up for a huge disappointment; these are dry and nearly flavourless. Until you dunk them in tea. Then they taste like…well, more tea actually. But it’s the idea.
3. The Accent
To me, American/Australian/Any other country’s accents sound wrong. As I’m sure the English accent (see my earlier post) does to you. But if you want to pass yourself off, it’s the only way. Watch a lot of BBC drama and try not to use expressions you’ve heard. People do say “Bloody Hell!”, but if you even try “Guv’nor”, you will be stared at in a horrified manner.
4. Queuing
No, we don’t love queuing. But we do it anyway. Sometimes you just have to stand in a line for half an hour to get anywhere. It’s how things work. And there are a lot. So bite your lip and prepare to frown disapprovingly at queue-jumpers for the next 30 minutes. Bet you’re looking forward to it already.
So that was your first quick-stop guide into fooling people that you’re English. And if it isn’t fully accurate, at least you can now explain to others the wonder that is a Hob Nob.
Me? I’ll be crunching my way through them for the next month. Happy July!